Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Can a Messy Garage Inspire a Brief Moment of Self Awareness?

So Wednesday morning, I was in a mood (PMS may have played a factor). I had to get up early to roll the trash can out to the curb because I was pretty sure Ed had not done it when he got home late the night before. I had to gather up some trash that was in the garage as well, you know, the kind that you sit out there in hopes that someone else will notice it and carry out to the bin, but it can sit there for days because it takes on "invisible" qualities. Only I seem to see it, smell it and trip over it, but curiously, it becomes "invisible" to everyone else, so odd ;-) I digress... on to the story.

While in the garage gathering trash, I look around, and the garage is a freakin' mess (I lie, no, I didn't just notice it, I notice it all the time. The garage is the bain of my existence. I am always harassing someone to clean up the garage). Garage cleaning is on the repertoire of my monthly cleaning activities. I clean, someone else does this:

This is Ryan's "project" table:

Curiously, I had had a conversation with Ed on Saturday about what a mess the garage was. I impressed how tired I was of the mess and how we can't even park a car in the garage. Not to mention the holes in the drywall caused by an "experimental" dowel shooting gun and the holes caused by BB's. I reminded Ed of Ryan's failure to comply with some basic rules, 1. No fire in the garage. 2. No shooting of any kind in the garage. 3. Clean up after yourself. 4. No property damage. (From the evidence in the garage, Ryan had violated 3 out of 4 rules). Ed calmed me down, cause I was pretty worked up, he assured me that he and Ryan would work on cleaning the garage and he would talk to Ryan about the rules.

Fast forward to Wednesday, back to my story. So I look around and it is clear to see that my conversation with Ed on Saturday has done nothing for the garage. So now I start to feel my blood slowly starting to boil. I start moving things around, sweeping, trying to put things away, I am starting to feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the disaster in there. Besides the fact that it is 7 am, I am in my pajamas, the garage is like 90 degrees. I remember my plea for a call to action from Ed on Saturday and my blood starts to boil hotter. This enrages me more, so I really start to get in there and move stuff around. Finally I am overcome by the thought that I am sweating my guts out and I am cleaning the garage in my favorite pajamas..... whoa...what's wrong with me?!?!

I go back inside, throw my pajamas in the laundry room and head to the closet to change. Ed is in the shower getting ready for work. I sit on the edge of the tub contemplating my strategy. Should I give Ed the silent treatment? Tempting.... and my standard protocol, but after 2 years of therapy, I have moved beyond that, but it does tempt me and beckon me to rejoin the dark side. Then it occurs to me that I was upset about something else (not important to anyone else but myself) that had been eating at me since the night before. The mess in the garage triggered an emotional reaction and my action to clean it, is kind of a coping mechanism. Not a healthy one. Sure it gets the garage cleaned, but what it does is it gives me more "justification" to be madder. Not a good thing. Essentially, I am creating more reasons for me to be mad and be victimized. Lightbulb moment!!!! So you know how I was just saying that old habits die hard, that we are tempted to keep doing our bad behavior and go back to the dark side? Boy is it hard, because just as I was sitting there having my "lightbulb moment", I am sitting there looking at the baseboard in the bathroom that I have been asking Ed to paint for about 3 years, then I start looking around at the nail hole on the door frame, that hasn't been filled and I start thinking about the small section of unfinished moulding that I can only see when I am in the shower....and slowly my blood begins to boil again and there I am again, looking and finding more reasons to be mad. Uh, "lightbulb" moment a-gain!
So what's my new and improved modus operandi? Just talking about it. I told Ed about my frustration(s). Then told him about the "lightbulb" moment(s), he laughed with me and said I was very "self-aware". He apologized about the garage (I have a feeling, I am still going to end up cleaning it, that's how we roll in this family, but at least it will be because I want to).

Before I go, this is what "my side" of the garage looks like:
Need I say more?

Pulled in Different Directions Rant

The above picture describes what my month of July has looked like! Quick story about this picture: I was driving down Geneva Rd somewhere between Orem and Lindon and I saw this mess on the side of the road. I had to turn around and take the picture because it totally reminded me of what my life feels like sometimes. It really made me chuckle!
So, on to my mess on the side of the road. Busy month and no time to blog, I thought summer was suppose to slow things down, not for me, I have been super busy, trying to balance life, work, the boys, relationships.......Here's the breakdown:
  • Work - has been very busy, covering for some of my co-workers this month has kept me busy working some extra hours. I don't mind it at all, but it does get me a little stressed about spending less time with the boys. Having this job is really a big blessing in my life, can't complain.
  • The Boys - well, it's summer and they are mostly bored. Ryan is busy working his odd jobs around the neighborhood. So proud that he earns his own money. It has made him more conscientious about what we spend money on. Brennan watches way too much tv and spends way too much time playing video games. I am feeling a lot of guilt about it. So the past 1 1/2 weeks I have stepped it up by trying to get him out of the house and spend more time doing things. We've gone to the pool twice, played legos, gone to lunch, gone out for donuts, window shopped, Chuck E. Cheese, we have a couple more activities planned in the next few days. Ryan is off at Scout High Adventure Camp, climbing King's Peak this week. He was not thrilled, but I am glad he went. Ed and I are putting out positive vibes that he has a good time.
  • Ed - has been a dear lately. He has had a lot of stress at work as of late and is suffering from a bad back that is going on two month now. He is in quite a bit of pain, but is trying to stay positive. Last week, he was suppose to take some time off of work, but various crisis at work prevented him from doing so. He hardly ever takes time off and has been working some extra long hours. Case in point, last Saturday he worked from 8 am to midnite. On Sunday, he had to go in from 6 pm to midnite and yesterday he left here at 7:30 am and didn't get home until midnite (oh, and he doesn't get paid overtime).
  • Myself - I have been feeling quite a bit of anxiety lately. Trying to pin down the source, but nothing specific yet. Things that may be contributing to it, not getting enough exercise. I have been quite a exercise slacker lately. I just wanted to take a few days off that has turned into probably 3 weeks. The good news is, my knees feel FANTASTIC! The bad news is, I'm still a slacker, dreading restarting exercising and the muscle pain. This is how bad it's been..... I have not even been to Yoga (and if you know me, you know I don't miss yoga for nobody), so I am NOT feeling "one with the universe", (could definitely be a contributor to the anxiety). Have had some interesting moments of self-awareness, I will try to share those more often. I will post one tomorrow that happened to me this morning, but I am losing steam.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

June in Review

I have been so negligent in my blogging lately. Life gets a hold of me and sucks me into the ebbs and flows of life, but here I am a little further downstream. June has been very busy, hectic, fun and amazing.

Here are some highlights:

Lake Powell 2010

Ryan wakeboarding

Brennan and Aunt Donna

Scrabble with Natalie, Brennan, Simone, Chad and Sabrina

Brennan Fishing

Sabrina, Donna and Natalie

June started out with our yearly trip to Lake Powell. It was most amazing because this year we were joined by the other Callahan Clan, Ed's brother and his family. We had a great time, lots of laughs, food, fun and sun. The top 5 things I want to remember about the trip are:
1. Spending time with my sis-in-law Donna. She rocks!
2. Spending time with my niece Natalie. She makes me feel important.
3. Brennan studying fish, reading about fish, catching fish and torturing everyone else with fish facts. My nephew, Chad was the most incredible patient fishing assistant to Brennan ever. Thanks Chad!
4. Cliff jumping - NEVER tell Donna and Yolanda that they are NO fun! We will prove you wrong, even if that means jumping off cliffs.
5. Playing Scrabble with the girls and having the biggest laugh of the weekend about the spelling of "jive/give". Sabrina and Simone, just thinking about you two gives me the biggest smile.

PALM DESERT Friends Reunion

Need to get a better pic
This month, I also had the most amazing reunion with some very important women in my life. Their importance became more apparent to me over the weekend I spent with them in June. We were brought together in 1988 in Palm Desert, California, at a crossroads in all our lives, and we have been bound by some very incredible and magical events (no time to blog about it now). In June, we got together because Carolyn's daughter got married. it was a wonderful reunion, reminiscing about old times, having the time honored tradition, "schmut" night, have some great laughs and also sharing our burdens. Being with these women was surprisingly an answer to a silent prayer I had in my heart for quite some time. I am so excited to reconnect with them and continue our friendships for another 22 years.

Art Show

Also a big event this month was that Ryan entered an Art Show in Colorado for his Photography. He submitted two photographic works. One of the photos won Best in Show in the Student category. This means that he beat out all the other mediums; oil/acrylic, watercolor, sculpture, etc, in his category. His second entry got 4th place. He received a cash award and his photograph was also sold at the show. He received some a very positive critique from the judge. We are so proud of him. See the article in the paper here:
Sorry, I can't post the pics. Ryan needs to get a copyright watermark on the pics before posting.

Ragnar Wasatch Back 2010

Team 186-Holy Crap, I didn't get my training done!
Ragnar Relay/Wasatch Back has come and gone and I survived my 2nd relay. I seriously had my doubts, due to a bum knee that I have been trying to nurse for the past 6 months. As always, super fun! A little different than last time since we had a coed team, but a blast just the same.

The top 5 highlights for me of the relay:

1. Me being in the middle of a Cheryl and Christine sandwich while we slept in the back of the Excursion. People, let me tell you.... it is possible to sleep 4 people in the back. It's not the most comfortable, but when you have only slept 3 hours the night before and you are physically exhausted from running, laying down flat with your best buddies keeping you warm and making you laugh with "fart talk" is the best feeling.

2. Ryan running the Relay with us was so cool. Ryan is a super duper super hero in my book. He had the longest distances to run and he was a champ. On his second leg, he developed a serious blister that covered half the bottom of his foot. I could tell he was in so much pain. The next morning, he put moleskins and duct tape on and ran his final leg. I do have to admit that it was a little stressful for me to have him with us, that maternal instinct kicks in and it gets you a little stressed about their comfort and safety. The jury is still out on whether he had fun, he still has not given me a definitive answer.

3. Meeting Christine at the top of a hill she just ran, she has her headphones on, so she has no idea how loud she is and she says this: "That hill was a bitch". Complete strangers were laughing, good thing there were no children present, well except for Ryan and he thought it was pretty funny.

4. This may make no sense to anyone else, except to Christine and myself, but after catching a little shut eye, it was so cold in the morning and Christine and I were sitting in the back of the car trying to stay warm and wake up. Scott is trying to load the seat we had removed from the car back into place. He asked for our help...he didn't get any except for a bunch of delirious laughing from Christine and myself.

5. Cheryl. Need I say more? I don't know anyone who has more energy, is more helpful, positive, can make you a sandwich or grab something out of the ice chest for you without any hesitation.

6. Ok, I lied, I have 6 items. Last,but not least...The amazing, kick a$$ chicks in Van #2. These girls are hardcore, most amazing athletic chicks. They made us look like sissies!
I do have an admission to make. As I lay down trying to sleep after my 2nd leg, and after feeling something snap and come undone in the back of my knee, I thought, "I am never doing this again. I am recanting on my commitment of saying that I am doing the Vegas Relay in October. It is not happening!" Well, it's happening.... I am all signed up to run my LAST and FINAL Ragnar Relay in October. I mean it, it's my last Ragnar!